My teen boys

[Sammy]

Newbie here, not really looking for this topic but saw the forum and thought I'd post. I have a pair of teen-age sons and have talked birds & bees with them, but we didn't really cover much beyond where babies come from and so on. I feel really awkward talking about condoms and the like, but I know it needs to be done. Then I thought that maybe they get all that in school...

It's hard to do!

[Victoria]

Newbie here, not really looking for this topic but saw the forum and thought I'd post. I have a pair of teen-age sons and have talked birds & bees with them, but we didn't really cover much beyond where babies come from and so on. I feel really awkward talking about condoms and the like, but I know it needs to be done. Then I thought that maybe they get all that in school... It's hard to do!

Hi Sammy,

This is a good topic for us to discuss. Sex ed that comes from parents is much more effective than having the schools go it alone, and who knows if the school-based information is really good to begin with.

The key is becoming an Askable Parent. From the American Social Health Association's site for parents/teens, I Wanna Know: Sexual health and you

Does your child feel it's ok to talk with you about sex and sexual health? If not, have you thought about who will answer your child's questions? Only you can tell your child that it's okay to ask you questions. You want to become askable! After all, you are your child's first and most important teacher. Loving and caring parents actively discover a child's needs for information and then find ways to fill those needs. Even adolescents in their mid-teens are still learning from you.

Here are some traits of an askable parent. Which phrases describe you? An askable parent:

* Shows respect, value and love for children.
* Realizes that every difficult situation is not a crisis.
* Wants communication, but doesn't expect to have all the answers.
* Knows the most important part of communication is listening.
* Doesn't laugh when a child asks a question, even in reaction to the child's cuteness.
* Doesn't expect to be perfect, and knows that admitting mistakes is a valuable lesson for the child.
* Is sometimes embarrassed by questions about sex but acknowledges the discomfort and explains it to the child.


Children are more likely to talk to an approachable parent. If you think the traits above describe you, then you are very askable.

Where do I start?

You've already begun. Very young children learn by observing their parents. They watch how you dress and how you carry yourself. They see how you interact with the opposite sex; and they notice how you react to intimacy and affection. Now all you have to do is build on their observations.

The first real step is to understand how much your child already knows about sex. And the easiest way to do that is to be a good listener. Pay attention to what your child says to friends and siblings. Then look for opportunities in everyday life to start a conversation. Remember, while we sometimes hear about having "the talk" with children about sex and sexual health, it is really a series of conversations that happen over time.

[Frankie Goes to Hollywood]

I struggled with this too, but it's not so bad. I just really wanted my kids to know they could come talk to me, and no matter what I woudn't get angry. That doesn't mean I'll agree with their choices, but I'll at least listen, and I think that's the key.

I let my daughter know I DON'T want her to be sexually active as a teen and in no way is the "talk" meant to encourage or offer tacit approval of that...but, I'm also realistic and if she does have sex, I want her to be safe, to have birth control and condoms, and to have the right medical exams, including STD tests.

I bet that if you have that kind of talk with your kids, they'll be no more likely to have sex, but will be more likely to be safer and smart about it if they do.

[Victoria]

I bet that if you have that kind of talk with your kids, they'll be no more likely to have sex, but will be more likely to be safer and smart about it if they do.

Yes! I love this quote! You're exactly right, having a safer sex talk with your kids no more encourages sexual activity than, say, giving them a car with seat belts and airbags makes it more likely they'll drive recklessly.

[Darcy]

This is great, but what about talking with teen girls? How would the conversation differ, really? I mean, both boys and girls need to know about pregnancy, etc. What would you say to a girl that you wouldn't mention to a boy, if anything?

[Victoria]

Your question really made me think, Darcy. One thing that comes to mind is that girls need to learn about abusive/controlling partners, but of course boys need to be educated about that, too. I think girls face more pressure to have sex ("You would IF you loved me!") so they especially need guidance about being manipulated or made guilty over sex.

Hmm, what else? While the exact nature of the conversation wouldn't be the same, I agree that both genders should hear about pregnancy, STDs, birth control, safer sex, oral sex and anal sex are not safe alternatives to intercourse.