How To Tell Your Partner You Have Herpes

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How to Tell Your Partner That You Have Herpes...

It's only fair and honest to tell your partner you have herpes. Here are a few tips to help guide the conversation.

1. Think about how you want your partner to take the news:
Genital herpes are not a huge problem, so don't present it that way. If you say, "I have some bad news for you," your partner will likely take it as bad news. Instead, be casual, direct and unemotional.

2. Also avoid suggesting how he or she should react, especially in the negative:
If you say, "You're going to freak out when you hear this," or "Don't freak out, but...," you are setting your partner up to panic either way. Simply say you have genital herpes, and ask if he or she knows what that means. Be prepared to present the facts.

3. Know as much as you can about genital herpes first:
Be prepared to answer any questions your partner may have. Stress that it's very common. Hearing the one-in-five statistic could be a relief. Also explain what it means to have it. Some people get sores on their genitals occasionally, but many others get symptoms so mild they don't even notice them.

4. Choose your words wisely:
You don't want to load the discussion with negative imagery. Although genital herpes is a disease, saying that you have this "disease" conjures up unpleasant images, so avoid using that word. Watch your adjectives, too. Don't describe your condition as "horrible," "disgusting," or "incurable."

5. Pick the right setting:
In addition to language, the setting can affect the outcome, too. Pick a relaxing time with just the two of you, where there won't be any distractions. A conversation over a quiet dinner or a walk in the park is preferable to a bowling alley or the supermarket. Don't wait until your clothes are already off. That will spoil the mood and start the conversation on the wrong foot.
It would be best to let the topic come up naturally in conversation. That way, it would seem less like a bombshell and more like any other development in your life. For example, you could say, "Just so you know, my doctor called me yesterday with some test results, and said I have the virus that causes genital herpes."

6. Talk about sex:
If you've never slept with the person before, you might want to simply have a discussion about sex in general. You could start the conversation by saying, "I like where this relationship is going. Before we go any further, maybe it's a good idea to talk about sex. Is that ok??" That conversation could STDs. But it's more of a discussion than news that you're delivering.

7. Remember that you're not a bad person:
Do not feel the need to apologize. You are not alone and you have nothing to feel guilty about.
It's also possible that your partner might take the news badly no matter how well you deliver it. In that case, don't get defensive. Allow him or her some time to think it over in private, calm down, and come to terms with it.


SOURCES: Warren, T., Warren, R. The Updated Herpes Handbook, 2002, pp 25-27. American Social Health Association.